Friday, June 17, 2005

Caray should play Felt

The Felt family will make millions off the Tom Hanks deal, which is why they went public with Deep Throat's identity in the first place (second place). Ka-ching. Bobby can go to college now. But the late Harry Caray should play Felt. Obviously. I mean, look at that.

Does anyone else feel Felt's biopic will be a borefest? The reporter angle was ripe for adventure and suspense, as evidenced by All the President's Men. Why see the flip side? The intrigue comes from the secret. You can't make a movie about a secret when the secret's no longer a secret. You can't go behind the scenes and tell the secret's story and hope for anything exciting. Felt wasn't an alcoholic or a druggie. Ray Charles he was not. So how to approach this?

Maybe the Felt film will focus on his home life, and how he was a decent husband and father and citizen and agent, and how he can't figure out who's stealing his morning newspaper. There's your secret. Sample scene:

FELT's alarm goes off, he slams his palm down on it. Gets up, puts on robe, shuffles to the front of the house, wiping eye crusties away. Pulling open the door, he sees that someone has swiped the early edition.

FELT (simmering): Mother pus bucket. Who the f*ck's taking my paper?

Suddenly, from the bushes, Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein pop out.

WOODWARD: We don't know, but we can investigate for you!

Am I right? Caray as Felt. If Caray can't be reached, maybe Don Knotts? Jane Fonda can play the daughter. Because Will Ferrell and Bruce McCullough did such a divine job in Dick, they should be invited back as Woodward & Bernstein. And Dan Hedaya as Nixon, of course.

It will be called Felt Up: The Rise to Maverick FBI Deputy and it will air on Trio.

Ideas for dialogue? Scenes? Casting? Titles?


bagels, boobs, and beer said...

"What's your favorite planet? Mine's the sun."

"Would you eat the moon if it was made of barbecue spare ribs? It's a simple question."

J.J. said...

"Hey--" wobbly head motions "--hey!