Wednesday, November 22, 2006

I finally saw The Queen...

...and I'm obviously missing something. It appears to be the best reviewed movie of the year, but there is no drama and nothing happens. Mirren is good because she's Mirren. Nothing to it. Here is my Cliff's Notes version (in seven scenes):

Scene I: Balmoral

Butler: Ma'am? And, ma'am?
The Queen: Yes what is it?
The Queen Mum: Yes what is it?
Butler: It's the Princess of Wales.
Prince Philip: What's the bloody tart done now?
Butler: She's dead.
The Queen: Oh.
The Queen Mum: Oh! I mean, oh.
Philip: The bitch deserves to rot.
The Queen: We'll have a private funeral.

Scene II: Balmoral

Tony Blair: (on the phone) Ma'am?
The Queen: Yes?
Tony: Shouldn't the funeral be public? After all, she was the people's princess.
The Queen: Should it be?
The Queen Mum: Heavens no.
Philip: The bitch deserves to rot.
The Queen: I am the queen, prime minister. This is a matter for family. Kindly allow me to attend to my grandchildren.

Scene III: Balmoral

Tony: Ma'am?
The Queen: What is it now?
Tony: The people are awash in grief. They need some sort of sign from the royal family.
The Queen: Don't be silly.
The Queen Mum: Don't de daft!
Philip: The bitch deserves to rot.

Scene IV: Balmoral

Tony: Ma'am?
The Queen Mum: Yes?
The Queen: Not you, mother. Tony, you make me long for Thatcher.
Tony: With all due respect, ma'am, have you seen the papers? One in four Brits think the monarchy should be dissolved.
The Queen Mum: Rubbish! They need us.
Philip: The bitch deserves to rot.
Tony: The funeral should be public. Buckingham's flag should be at half mast. You should return to the palace and greet your public.
The Queen: I'm going to go for a spin in my Range Rover.

Scene V: Balmoral

Tony: Ma'am?
The Queen: You again.
Philip: (whispers) Stop picking up the phone!
Tony: Ma'am, have you seen the papers today?
The Queen: (looking at the papers) No, I don't read them. The press is manufacturing this discontent.
Tony: They think you're out of touch. The flag should be at half mast. You should return to the palace. The funeral will be public. I hope your majesty is not upset.
Butler: They will be using the funeral schematic for the Queen Mum, since we're short on time.
The Queen Mum: What!
Philip: The bitch deserves to rot.
The Queen Mum: What!
Philip: Not you. Diana.

Scene VI: Balmoral

Tony: Ma'am?
The Queen: (faint gurgle of disapproval)
Tony: Ma'am, come back.
Prince Charles: Listen to Tony, mother. It's modern times, mother. Me and Tony are modern men.
Tony: (faint gurgle of disapproval)

Scene VII: London

The Queen: I am back.
Tony: It was a wonderful idea of yours to come back.
The Queen: Sometimes a queen must do that.
Philip: You're all a bunch of nutters.


Christmas Ape said...

Balmoral, more like falderal!


Alanna said...

I just don't understand why we're supposed to care about the subject matter. /isolationist American

J.J. said...

I think that's the dealbreaker. I just don't give a sh*t about the finnickiness of the royal family. But I'm sure Brits and royal-lovers ate it up.

mimi w said...

Yeah, I think our American-ness had something to do with our "that was boring" opinion of the flick. But I enjoyed the big cookie we ate before the movie, so it wasn't a total bust.

Yet the more I think about it, the more I like Mirren's performance. Are you saying this role wasn't much of a stretch for her?

Middento said...

This film summary cracks me up. Seriously, it's the thirs time I've read it and I'm still giggling. (And I haven't even seen it!)

millie said...

delicious! i would love to see someone take your script and make it into a 3 minute short.


J.J. said...

Mimi W: I'm saying that Mirren is capable of all things. She gets the job done, but did anyone expect she wouldn't?

cattleworks said...

Have you read any David Ives? This post made me think of his short plays.
In particular, a tribute to David Mamet, where at one point one of the actors says (more or less... c'mon this is me), "Okay, did everybody get a chance to say 'fuck'?"

Very funny.
You AND Ives.

Nick Davis said...

Indeed, *hilarious*.