Top 10 starts soon

Normally, the best picture of the year is very apparent to me, as it has been for the past eight years of my cinematic cognizance. I knew it was love at first sight when I saw Junebug last year. Same thing with Million Dollar Baby the year before. This year: Not so much. Granted, I had some great theatrical experiences. But no film lodged itself in my heart. Pity pity.

But there are still 10 good films I'm going to rank. They'll each get a post, and we'll go from 10 to 1, to keep the suspense building. I'd love to hear your thoughts. Never has there been a year when I've been so out of step with mainstream criticism. I thought The Queen was a Pinter-esque comedy (that is to say: a wild misfire). Everyone else thought it was totally rad. But even the trailer makes me crack up. "A leader in crisis," intones the deep-voiced narrator as we're shown a shot of Helen Mirren in her jammies in bed reading the newspaper. Crisis! Are they kidding?

In addition, Bobby made me weep and everyone else groan. I thought Apocalypto, for all its insanity, was a visionary technical achievement. Everyone else called it pornography.

Before we start, a point of order. I saw about 80 movies that were released in 2006. Almost 250 remain unseen by me, including these notables: Blood Diamond, Cars, Catch a Fire, Come Early Morning, Days of Glory, The Dead Girl, Deliver Us from Evil, Factory Girl, Breaking & Entering, Fast Food Nation, Firewall (just kidding!), The Good German, Iraq in Fragments, Kinky Boots, Man Push Cart, Old Joy, The Pursuit of Happyness, Shut Up & Sing and Sweet Land.

Oscars 07: Globe nom reactions

HUZZAH: Bobby for best pic. Adriana Barraza, Babel. Mark Wahlberg, The Departed. Ben Affleck, Hollywoodland. Clint Mansell, The Fountain.

GROSS: The Queen. The Devil Wears Prada (best picture?!). Thank You for Smoking (best picture?!). Beyonce. Toni Collette, Little Miss Sunshine. Will Ferrell, Stranger Than Fiction.

Oscars 07: The gathering storm

We're now bound -- head locked and arms tied -- in the stockades of the movie awards season. Don't try to get out. If you want to defecate, you'll have to do so in your pants as you yap and squabble with other film-lovers who are stuck in their own personal stockades. Why do we derive pleasure from this season? It's a stinking mess. (If you're not convinced, read these insider anecdotes from this morning's voting session of the New York Film Critics Circle. They're both precious and ridiculous.)

I dunno, but I love it and I hate it, and I love to hate it, and I hate to love it. And so on. So allow me to register some complaints, now that awards have been issued by both the New York and Los Angeles critics groups (as well as by the National Board of Review, the N.Y. web critics and the Boston and Washington critics):

1. Helen Mirren is 6 for 6 (as is Forest Whitaker, who perhaps actually deserves the sweep). Mirren's a wonderful human being, and her performance in The Queen is marginally interesting by virtue of her talent (it's like watching Rembrandt doodle), but this uniformity is silly. It may also backfire, since Oscar voting won't close til mid-February. Plenty of time to lose momentum. If I were in a critics group, I would use my power for good and start some buzz for an underdog (Sook-Yin Lee for Shortbus, anyone? John Diehl for Land of Plenty?).

2. The Queen itself is cleaning up. Two supporting actor awards for Michael Sheen as Tony Blair? Seriously? Three screenplay awards for Peter Morgan? Might I remind you that The Queen's screenplay looked like this. I am baffled. This is the greatest hoax perpetrated on the American public since global warming.

3. Hooray for variety: Boston singles out Mark Wahlberg for The Departed. L.A. goes for Luminita Gheorghiu for The Death of Mr. Lazarescu. New York touts Jackie Earl Haley for Little Children.

4. The Washington D.C. Area Film Critics wisely went United 93 for best picture (as did New York) but caved to convention in every other category. They even named the joyless and flaccid Thank You for Smoking as best screenplay. I guarantee the only reason they picked this was to give a little love to a film that took place in the District. Grow a pair, folks.

Soon I will begin my own For Your Consideration series, which debuted last year to middling acclaim and succeeded in winning a nomination for zero of my underdogs (Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Joan Allen & Jeff Daniels).

I finally saw The Queen...

...and I'm obviously missing something. It appears to be the best reviewed movie of the year, but there is no drama and nothing happens. Mirren is good because she's Mirren. Nothing to it. Here is my Cliff's Notes version (in seven scenes):

Scene I: Balmoral

Butler: Ma'am? And, ma'am?
The Queen: Yes what is it?
The Queen Mum: Yes what is it?
Butler: It's the Princess of Wales.
Prince Philip: What's the bloody tart done now?
Butler: She's dead.
The Queen: Oh.
The Queen Mum: Oh! I mean, oh.
Philip: The bitch deserves to rot.
The Queen: We'll have a private funeral.

Scene II: Balmoral

Tony Blair: (on the phone) Ma'am?
The Queen: Yes?
Tony: Shouldn't the funeral be public? After all, she was the people's princess.
The Queen: Should it be?
The Queen Mum: Heavens no.
Philip: The bitch deserves to rot.
The Queen: I am the queen, prime minister. This is a matter for family. Kindly allow me to attend to my grandchildren.

Scene III: Balmoral

Tony: Ma'am?
The Queen: What is it now?
Tony: The people are awash in grief. They need some sort of sign from the royal family.
The Queen: Don't be silly.
The Queen Mum: Don't de daft!
Philip: The bitch deserves to rot.

Scene IV: Balmoral

Tony: Ma'am?
The Queen Mum: Yes?
The Queen: Not you, mother. Tony, you make me long for Thatcher.
Tony: With all due respect, ma'am, have you seen the papers? One in four Brits think the monarchy should be dissolved.
The Queen Mum: Rubbish! They need us.
Philip: The bitch deserves to rot.
Tony: The funeral should be public. Buckingham's flag should be at half mast. You should return to the palace and greet your public.
The Queen: I'm going to go for a spin in my Range Rover.

Scene V: Balmoral

Tony: Ma'am?
The Queen: You again.
Philip: (whispers) Stop picking up the phone!
Tony: Ma'am, have you seen the papers today?
The Queen: (looking at the papers) No, I don't read them. The press is manufacturing this discontent.
Tony: They think you're out of touch. The flag should be at half mast. You should return to the palace. The funeral will be public. I hope your majesty is not upset.
Butler: They will be using the funeral schematic for the Queen Mum, since we're short on time.
The Queen Mum: What!
Philip: The bitch deserves to rot.
The Queen Mum: What!
Philip: Not you. Diana.

Scene VI: Balmoral

Tony: Ma'am?
The Queen: (faint gurgle of disapproval)
Tony: Ma'am, come back.
Prince Charles: Listen to Tony, mother. It's modern times, mother. Me and Tony are modern men.
Tony: (faint gurgle of disapproval)

Scene VII: London

The Queen: I am back.
Tony: It was a wonderful idea of yours to come back.
The Queen: Sometimes a queen must do that.
Philip: You're all a bunch of nutters.