Thursday, June 12, 2008

In Diana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Meth

I've been gone for a bit, because I have nothing to write about. But today my friend A.L. and I killed some time re-imagining some movie titles as porn titles. Here are 10 we brainstormed. Feel free to add your own in the comments. Lurid and juvenile, yes, but fun.

2008: A Butt Odyssey
Bonked on the Fourth of July
Breast in Show
The Greatest Blow on Earth
Howard's End
The Remains of the Splayed
There Will Be Bone
The Silence of the Jambs
Terms of Enrearment
Twat Lies Beneath

I know. I'm sorry. It's Friday. (It's really Thursday, but I'm off tomorrow.)

24 comments:

Alanna said...

You forgot Forrest Hump and A Price Above Boobies

Anonymous said...

This was recently done on the MTV Movie Awards, but yours are much better.

Mike zak said...

There's a real porn called "There Will Be Blonds."

Snatchwork
Bareback Mounting
Children for Men
Animal Farm

elgringo said...

Baby Mama Bukkakke
No Pussy for Old Men
There Will Be Blood (GROSS!!!)

And who wouldn't want to watch this oldie-but-a-goodie, "What's up, Doc? Wanna fuck? Yeah, let's fuck."

StinkyLulu said...

My favorite real porn spoof title will probably always be:
Hannah Does Her Sisters.

And I just encountered this new one:
Sweet Homo Alabama.

Mike zak said...

elgringo: is "No Cunty For Old Men" too lewd?

I hope not.

elgringo said...

Aw man, how could I have missed "No Cuntry?" It was right in front of my face...so to speak. Well done!

Evan Tucker said...

I recently introduced some friends to the joys of the 'vagina game.' Which involves perhaps slightly less creativity. You simply take titles from great movies or literature and just substitute the word 'vagina' in the title. Dickens and Fitzgerald are particularly good for this.

Martin said...

Some Scorsese Smut

GANG BANGS OF NEW YORK
GOODFELLATIOS
RAGING BALLS
ALICE DOESN'T DO MEN ANYMORE

cattleworks said...

This IS juvenile.
How fun!

HUMPER

Although, that seems like it would be a fun porn film. Humpers teleport only when they're having sex. But they go from one person to another person somewhere else.
Or orifice.
So, there's a little risk involved, in terms of propriety on the other end, so to speak...

One of my favorites was from the SIMPSONS when Bart was watching porn on cable. One of the films was BROADCAST NUDES, which of course, is a great inside joke because writer/director James L. Brooks is a producer of the TV show.

Another real porn title:
E.3, THE EXTRA TESTICLE.

Man, smut films have all the fun!

Elise Elliot said...

Thighs Wide Shut

Elise Elliot said...

Has anyone seen Teeth?

赵晨威 said...

My brother played this game, limiting himself entirely to James Bond movies.

dr. no, don't stop
gold-fingerer
license to fill
in her majesties secret crevice

J.J. said...

*This* is what I have to blog about to get some comments? If so, look forward to more prurience.

cattleworks said...

*blush*

elgringo said...

Teeth is at the top of Netflix queue. Is it worth watching?

Elise Elliot said...

Yes it is. I just hope you're not straight, for you will no longer crave anything. Even for a gay man like me, it was hard to keep a level head throughout the very graphic film. But on the whole I enjoyed it thourghly, sort of a mock horror but sometimes terrifying story. heh.

Hugh Betcha said...

"Jeremiah's Johnson"
"The Man Who Shot On Liberty Valance"
"Phallus Doesn't Live Here Anymore"
"Eat Me in St. Louis"
"The Sperminator"
"Fags of Our Fathers"
and
Dr. Seuss' "Horton Rears a Ho"

J.J. said...

We have a winner. Nothing has made me laugh harder than "Phallus Doesn't Live Here Anymore."

cattleworks said...

HA HA HA!
Actually, most of those in that one entry are pretty damn good!
Although, I was mostly impressed by THE MAN WHO SHOT ON LIBERTY VALANCE, I give high points to JEREMIAH'S JOHNSON and EAT ME IN ST. LOUIS.

Personally, I kept getting distracted by possible plots suggested by more obvious and less creative titles.
Like instead of THE EYE, we have THE CLIT, and the heroine has a clitoris transplant from a dead prostitute, and then goes on to have the memories of various climaxes every time she passes one of the prostitute's johns. That sounded interesting to me, and you could work in different genres, too, I thought, with each sexual scenario/flashback.
Imagining this with Jessica Alba didn't hurt, either.
Uh...

Oh, those James Bond titles were pretty damn good, too!

Finally, I thought TEETH was really good.
Although occasionally horrifying, it's not so much a horror film as you might think.
And there's much more penis on screen than you expect to see, also to the film's credit.

Jeez, it seems there should be a TEETH meets JAWS porn, just so someone can say, "We're gonna need a bigger cock!"
A line which sounds funnier than "This was no diaphragm accident," but it's interesting to have a context where the latter line makes sense.
Of course, the whole economic plotline of shutting down the beaches disappears... unless, it's set in Vegas, and penis-less johns are discovered. Sheriff Brody, who's gay, (and thus, terrified of pussy-- um, porn logic), wants to shut down the prostitutes, but the biggest convention weekend in town is coming up and all the pimps and madames are protesting: "You can't close down the bitches!" (Sorry).
The Richard Dreyfuss/Hooper character would be a gynecologist and, well, the Robert Shaw/Quint character I guess should be a gynecologist, too, huh?
Maybe Quint's a former back alley abortionist put out of business by the passing of Roe v. Wade, which explains the animosity between Quint and Hooper. Whatever, Quint should be played by someone like John Holmes (I don't know who that would translate to today).
It seems like there's interesting possibilities here.

J.J. said...

This is marvelous.

Anonymous said...

let's do the whole series:

In Diana Jones and the Temple of Poon.
In Diana Jones and the Riders of the Lost Cock.
In Diana Jones and the Lust Crusade.
In Diana Jones and the Quest for the Crystal Dildo.

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