Wednesday, July 05, 2006

The Boys & Girls Club for the Rich & Nervous

The Academy sent out invitations today to 120 sundry folk who must now decide whether to join its noble ranks and pay dues to vote Oscars to the best of the best, year after year -- and thereby endure the ire of foul-crying movielovers for generations.

Selected by the committees of each membership branch (acting, directing, cinematography, casting, etc.), the lucky ones weren't invited for their proven track records or the intensity of their talent. From the disparity of this list, it seems they were selected simply because the Academy likes them. Right now, the Academy likes them!

I have obtained the personalized messages from the Academy's governors that were scribbled below each official invitation:

+ David Strathairn. "Dear Dave: You've acted in over 70 movies, so we figured it was high time to get you into the club."

+ Tony Kushner. "Dear Tony: You've written one movie, so we figured it was high time to get you into the club."

+ Hayley Mills. "Hayley -- 45 years later, we're still reeling from your double-duty genius in The Parent Trap. It made us think: Let's get together, yeah yeah yeah! Congratulations, and welcome."

+ Jon Polito. "Um, the Coens said they'd put the hurt on us if we kept ignoring your solicitations."

+ Jake Gyllenhaal. "Don't tell Maggie!"

+ Rachel Weisz. "Don't tell Darren!"

+ Dakota Fanning. "Hi Dakota! Enclosed, you will find a lolly. Enjoy! To balance out the bevy of Academy members with false teeth, we decided to round up some who still had their baby teeth. Just kidding! We love your filmography and, since you are the youngest human to ever grace the A List besides Shirls, you are a natural choice for membership -- nevermind that you're still five years away from being legally allowed to view R-rated movies! Welcome!"

13 comments:

millie said...

i'm surprised you didn't have comments for dolly parton.

J.J. said...

"Dolls! How about a sequel to '9 to 5'? Call it 'The Graveyard Shift.' You and Tomlin and Fonda can be toll takers on some interstate. Say hi to the twins for us!"

scut farkus said...

Don't forget Werner Herzog: "Here's your consolation prize for not being nominated for Grizzly Man." (said in a stilted german accent of course)

Anonymous said...

Ha. Funny post. I giggled out lout, if that's possible.

TT said...

Something tells me Joaquin will not accept the invitation. hasn't he always tried to be a deliberate outsider, like Sean Penn? although, joaquin was in attendance at the ceremony for both his nominations...

Ehil Bent said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Emma said...

Eh, I'm so annoyed Fanning got in. She just grates.

Digs to Jake, Bennett and Dan!

J.J. said...

As far as the YouTube clip -- don't watch it unless you want to be profoundly changed. (Also, start the clip around 2 minutes 40 seconds to avoid redundancy.) Hell hath no fury like a dedicated actress playing the shit out of Joan Crawford.

Middento said...

I am still laughing about the twins. You crack me up.

Oh, and did you notice the invitation to Maria Bello? "Hi -- please join, even if we don't think you deserve a nomination. Thanks! Ciao, Bello!"

J.J. said...

Yes indeed. The invite was certainly a consolation prize for Bello, who has been snubbed twice (for Violence, and The Cooler). I personally would've snubbed her for Violence because there is a moment of miscalculated fraudulence in her performance that undermines all else. I refer to when she starts to cry while Viggo is being interrogated by the sheriff in her house. Upon first viewing, I thought she was faking in order to get the sheriff out and protect her family's reputation. When I (and the rest of the Toronto Film Festival crowd) realized that her character actually *was* crying, I bristled with disappointment. It rang very false. Bello should've lobbied to change the script in that instance. Anyway. Can anyone spell "tangent"?

RC said...

i love all your comments here, especially about david, and haley, and dakota.

--RC of strangeculture.blogspot.com

Chris Evans said...

Wait..Tony's written two movies. Don't forget about Angels In America (which--if TV Movies were eligible for Oscars--would've swept nearly every category).

J.J. said...

Correct. Kushner's written a theatrical movie and a made-for-TV miniseries, both of which I'd call "motion pictures." But in the eyes of AMPAS, only one matters.