Like every other known motion picture, Gladiator is being made into a musical -- potentially starring the strapping and profound Brian Stokes Mitchell (right) as Maximus Decimus Meridius Epididymus, the role played to snarling, "You killed my wife!" perfection by snarler laureate Russell Crowe. Now, in the style of my previous take on the musical version of The Lord of the Rings, I forecast the particulars of Glad!, or How to Succeed in Lion-Wrestling without Really Trying:
Stokes as Maximus, of course. Bruce Vilanch as Commodus ("I'm vexed, I'm terribly vexed. Circle gets the square.") Robert Goulet at Marcus Aurelius. And as Maximus' slaughtered wife and child? Rosie O'Donnell and Dakota Fanning. Fierstein in the Oliver Reed role. And we can import Julie Taymor's wicker animals from the New Amsterdam.
Song selections: "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Coliseum." "Gotta Lance." "Singin' through the Pain." "There Is Nothing Like a Slaughtered Christian." "Greece Lightning" (I know, I know, but I'm going for the pun). Other ideas?