Saturday, March 25, 2006

I want these motherf*cking snakes off the motherf*cking plane!

The Internet is too powerful. Rabid interest in Snakes on a Plane has prompted producers to reshoot to get an R rating and add a curse-laden speech by Samuel L. Jackson that is "expected to take on cult status." The damn thing hasn't even come out -- let alone percolate for years in obscurity -- and already it's a cult fave? This is mass madness! Although, given the still at left, we might get to watch Kenan Thompson expire painfully by poison. So that's a bright spot.


B. Zylak said...

I hope this starts a new trend, that moviemakers go in and add parts to existing films in order to achieve an R rating. I always wanted The Wizard of Oz to have an orgy scene.

is that so wrong? said...

You know those lollipops the munchkins had should have been used for something.

J.J. said...

Oh snap.

cattleworks said...


Well, there is a history of movie producers trying to find ways to improve their material, either by audience surveys or, even live performances, like the Marx Bros. testing and refining portions of the routines written for films like A NIGHT AT THE OPERA and A DAY AT THE RACES.
SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER was trimmed to a PG after it had come out and ran successfully as an R movie. There they tried to capitalize on Travolta's TV fanbase even more.
And the creation of something successful, entertaining, or emotionally satisfying is not as easy a process as one would think or hope.
Wouldn't it be interesting, if through the combination of the internet and DVD technology, some films were designed specifically to go straight to DVD, and their menus were set up as a, well, buffet.
You'd have your basic movie.
And then, you can tweak:
the language (more epithets: "f--- you and the f---ing, c-------ing horse you f---ing rode in on, you f---ing f---er!", less epithets: "I don't like you! Alot!", more colorful family value euphemisms: "nuts to you and the overly friendly, inappropriately behaving, bad horsie you gosh darn rode in on, you fudge obsessed fudge consumer!");

cattleworks said...


inserting deleted scenes in the proper continuity (in fact, some DVDs have already done this on a small scale, I think)-- the flashback scene with the nun, who was already established as an accordion playing passenger whose small companion is a monkey with a metal cup for tips (he's dressed in an altar boy's outfit). She remembers when she went to the prom with a boa constrictor, who insisted he only wanted to dance-- really close-- and then he was all over her. The next day, she came knocking at the convent door, ashamed, looking to hide from society, be a bride of Christ and raise money for the church with Bingo (the monkey);
more blood and kinetic gore-- deadly pasta colored snakes are hiding in the dishes of spaghetti that are being served as the in-flight meal-- as the pilots help themselves to seconds, they are bitten by these poisonous, semolina enriched asps they've been inadvertently twirling about(and upsetting) on their forks-- the poison works horrifyingly fast, swelling the pilots' heads to twice their size and ultimately causing them to explode, spraying gore across the controls and windshield;
more sex and/or nudity (yeah, you can tell who's coming up with these options)(and I vote for AND versus OR)-- an amorous couple are starting to get it on in a restroom, anxious to join the Mile High Club. Torrid foreplay ensues. Hands everwhere. Tongues entangling. Provocatively placed tattoos akimbo (okay, that really doesn't make sense, but it sounds erotic!). The babe notices from the dude's swelling pants he's ready for action! She immediately undoes his pants only to fall victim to a lethal, erect serpent springing forth from his unzippered loins;
more romance-- the attractive ingenues who met cute at the airport but have been bickering all through the flight (opposites attract) are finally forced to reconcile their superficial personality differences as a large-ass anaconda has them bound together in a death squeeze, face to face!-- they profess their love with each expiring breath-- man, there's not a dry eye in the house!;

cattleworks said...


...more diverse ethnic casting;
more fabulous clothing;
more singing and dancing--a stewardess runs into the cockpit, slipping on the spilled brains of the two pilots. While on the floor, she notices a nest of cobras beneath the seats. Fortunately, the stewardess is an attractive (hot!) Indian woman, who happens to be a belly dancing enthusiast, and her boyfriend happens to be a roadie for the band Tea Party, who are also on the plane headed for a gig. Whipping out her cell phone, she calls her boyfriend who's way back in economy. She rattles off instructions to him while staring down the hooded predators slithering her way. Snapping into action, the roadie rounds up the band in first class while racing to the cockpit. By the time they get there and set up their instruments in the doorway (montage!), she's stripped off her uniform revealing a seductively and exotic wardrobe (and really cool gold lame pumps!). The band starts playing and she starts dancing, hypnotically, abdominally, disarming the cobras psychologically;
more product placement-- snakes unexpectedly pop out of a can of Pringles, screaming ensues;
more etc.

But, what would be great is, the internet would allow fans to put their "orders" in for what they want to be available on the menu.
So, it's not just some stuff that was originally in the script and then deleted for the theatrical cut.
Fans can clamor for a scene that has, whatever, like a more curse laden speech!
Heck, with the Exorcist Prequel having been released in two entirey different versions, fans can also request their favorite filmmakers:
Spike Lee-- his angry answer to SOUL PLANE!
Wes Craven-- More serpent, less rainbow!
Todd Solondz-- the passengers are more disturbing than the snakes!
Nick Park-- what happens when the serpentine subjects of Creature Comforts go berserk!
Etc, etc. (I'm telling you, the mind boggles at the possibiliites!)

Actually, this might be an interesting variation on a sequel:
Suppose the film comes out and sucks (Look, TRY to imagine it, for argument's sake). The sequel is this, the fans feel the film would have been great if given to somebody else to make, so you're sequel is actually an immediate remake.
An obvious choice, I think, would be Quentin Tarantino to rework an existing film, because he actually works that way. He recycles genres and makes them his way. So, I would think he'd jump at the idea to re-do a genre picture. Okay, maybe he'd jump at it if prodded at gunpoint.
And SNAKES ON THE PLANE already has Samuel Jackson.

Okay, maybe they shouldn't be called sequels, but Retreads. With the right typestyle for a "Retreads" logo, it might sound/read kind of cool, and not come off as just some desperate attempt to make money.
Man, I'm kind of wishing this was an actual trend now, at least for some movies.

I mean, just suppose...

J.J. said...


J.J. said...

Now that I've had time to digest all that, Terry, I think you should quickly turn it into a screenplay.

cattleworks said...

Believe me, I've been thinking of it...
I was also thinking of turning it into a really, REALLY low-budget DV film, therefore having to rename it (and I'm shamelessly appropriating your AMAZING improvement on the title):
MOTHERF*CKING SNAKES ON THE MOTHERF*CKING SUV (or RENTAL VAN), whichever can accomodate more stock characters.
Oh, yeah... gears have been TURNING...

On a related, lesser note:
NIGHT OF THE LEPUS was released on DVD a few months ago. You know, the one about killer giant rabbits in Texas, starring Stuart Whitman, I think?
Anyways, that seems like an interesting topic for improvement.
In fact, somewhere online, and unfortunately, I don't remember where, someone who has a website about horror film, I think, suggested a way that the concept could have legitimately worked as a horror film and he gave his suggestions. In fact, he was pretty pissed off at the opportunities the original filmmakers squandered!
So, I'm not the only deluded sucker.
I've been tempted to purchase said cinema atrocity, but my impression about the film is, it's not just bad, it's phenomenally boring, so it didn't seem worth the 20 bucks.
Maybe when the price comes down.
Yeah, I know, suddenly I have some weird standard when it comes to blowing money on crap! What can I say, I'm complex.